Happy Birthday MUM!!!!!

To my dear mother who if she were alive today would have been 60 years old.

A second blog entry in her honour because she deserves it..........We had our differences when she was alive but now she's gone and I miss her like crazy.

I bet she's having one heck of a Halloween party in Heaven! Mum and Dad love you both. X

Pain, the good and bad days

This is a new blog again. My old blog was getting me down in the dumps because I was getting myself hung up with those silly people who had pulled me down in the past. Time for a new venture! So we have the Pigletwiglet to bring out the best in me (I hope)......... But then I have those days when pain brings my whole body down and I don't know which way to turn. Actually the only way to turn is no way! I can't move and sometimes can't breathe......I'm not the only one and I know this and I would like to be able to help others through their own pain but at the moment I can not help myself through my own well enough.
When I have days like this which are particularly good, they fill me with enthusiasm. I expect to feel this way forever and when a day or two days later I'm crawling around on the floor because the monster has hit me again, I'm left bereft and in agony again? I wish it wasn't such a roller coaster? I've always hated those.

I was left some comments yesterday and one person talked about what differing sorts of pains there are? It is extremely hard for anyone to understand pain unless they have experienced it or studied it. Then of course those who have studied it can sometimes be complete morons too. My pain management doctor is dashingly handsome as well as being understanding so I enjoy my appointments with him. My Urologist???? Not so good looking (bless him) but sweet and kind). At least seeing the occasional good looking man takes some of the pain away!

Monday morning

A new week dawns and I woke up feeling quite good again and I like this feeling
Its a very busy fortnight full of hospital appointments, the first one is on Thursday and it's with my Urologist. Of course silly planning means I have my cystoscopy the following Wednesday? Would have made sense to had made both appointments together or even the Urology appointment after but never mind, I will see the Urologist again in six months when I have my annual kidney scan! Then what appointment is next???? Oh yes, my assessment with the pain psychologist. I'm looking forward to that one. Has anyone reading this ever been to a pain psychologist? I'm hoping for good things from this but I know some people had poor experiences from it. I'll probably get put on a group programme which in some ways will be good for me. There is a part of me that would like to speak to someone one to one because that way I can take my time and if I can not make a week then I do not have to go. My pain is so different each day and I can't tell from moment to moment!!!!
So what other appointments do I have? My Neurosurgeon! Yes I am seeing my delightful NS in 2 weeks time and I'm looking forward to seeing him because it's been nearly 2 years. I last saw him in August 2004 and that was when he said that surgery might stop the pain deteriorating. It was his understudy (so to speak) that was determined that the surgery would get rid of much of my pain. I wish that these silly egotistical surgeons would not build up our hopes like this. I hadn't or should I say, I tried not to build up my hopes but there was a part of me that was secretly hopeful of a comfortable new life.......I'm still hopeful and I doubt that will ever go away.
I'm not feeling maudlin here, just honest.

Must finish my letter to centerparcs.....Oh I still need to tell that story don't I? Tomorrow then!

Entry number 4

Evening all, I have Greys Anatomy on the TV for the next two hours and I'm a happy camper. YES the bl***y pain monster is here as per usual but I've had a calm peaceful day and haven't lifted a finger and so it's been a good day.

So who forgot?
My husband turned back all of our clocks last night and that was great fun. my kids came and kissed me goodnight at 8.45pm and I commented that it was a little early for them on a Saturday and without any complaints!!! It completely threw me when I realised it was nearly 10pm and I had been playing scrabble on my phone for nearly an hour.

X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing were the two shows fighting it out for the UK's bigger audience share. Personally I'm one of those who flicks between both channels and enjoys both but I can't do that when hubby is at home because he hates it. I've become a complete TV addict since my spinal problems started. There's not much else for me to do is there? I suppose I could sit on my computer and make up a blog!!!!!

This started OK and then........

The monster is back!

I've been dealing with this pain monster for over six years now and each day it throws different objects at me. Last night I didn't sleep hardly at all but thankfully today I feel better than I did all night. I'm growing so sick of feeling so sick. . . . .

I know why last night was such a humbdinger but it could had been OK....I need to explain. I went out with my family yesterday - Out to lunch at our favourite haunt (great pun for pre halloween!) We haven't been over there since my surgery and as it was the last opportunity before the children went back to school after their half term hols, I wanted to make the most of it. I was in a fair amount of pain pre going out and so stayed in my bed until the very last moment, I'm getting used to this system! We sort of enjoyed ourselves but unfortunately my daughter throwed one of her teenage tantrums which was worse than any of her two year old ones! I was praising her about her food tech assignment which was to make pasties however, it seems that whatever I say to her she can twist around to be something that "winds her up". I told her that we'd walk out of the resturant as I'd had enough of her behaviour and the daft thing was that when the waitress brought our food the argument was forgotten as quickly as it was started. I talked to me daughter when we got home and I think she saw how stupid it all was and didn't want to admit it but she always has to have the last word. It reminds me a lot of my mother! If I was half as bad as my daughter is then I can see why my mother found it harder when I hit my teens. I'm about to say something about my mother which I don't like but everyone who knows me knows my mother used to drink and knows I found this hard to handle....I now look back at my teenage years and see that these years were the ones where it all started but I really didn't have a clue?

So anyway, we then went off to look at some 'home offices' as they are now called. These are not quite summer houses because they are insulated and double glazed and a more sesible option for our hot tub. The costs are spiralling there and I am looking at how to reduce them down because I must!!! The next mission was to find a PIG. Yes I did say a pig. Not a real one of course. My mum loved pigs and collected them and so when she passed away the kids decided to buy a bright blue one to put on her grave by her headstone. When we last went up the glaze had chipped badly and we wanted to buy her a new one because my mum would have been 60 next Tuesday. I don't going to the grave......I don't believe her spirit to be there and so I hardly ever go there.

**PAIN ATTACK RIGHT HERE!!!!! read on***

My son also feels this too, the spiritual bit not that pain attack! but my parents are always around......except right now I miss my mother even though I know her spirit is around and always will be, I want to be selfish and have a hug with her. I 'd like a hug with dad too but it's mum more so because probably of our differences before she died. Forgiveness is absolute. My mum thought something that wasn't true and because she was severely depressed and drink clouds your mind, you do not always think the way you would normally. I wish with all my heart, I could have had more time with my mum but when she said things like "I want to go to sleep at night and not wake up", it breaks your heart.

I started writting this with hardly any pain either physically or emotionally but half way through I had to stop as the sciatic nerve in my right leg set me screaming. I had to put the cushion over my face because my son was in the roomand I didn't want him to see my cry. How stupid was that! He got me a tissue and pulled the cushion down and has gone out now. I am now now squirming about not knowing what to do? I only got up an hour ago and it looks as though that pain is going to put me back in bed again. I can't sit up can I? I'm in my reclining chair on full recline and now I have my head lifted up and it's an odd position. Back to bed I think........I wanted to have some time downstairs with my son and make some dinner which wasn't frozen but the pain monster has won yet again.

Try again tomorrow. I need that hot tub.......

Detective Pigletwiglet

I'm opening up a new blog today to run along side with this one and you can read it if you wish. It will contain my ramblings about those I have found out about and how I found out about them WITHOUT giving away too many secrets!!!!

I want this new blog to go back to what it was as I found it hard to speak at the old one. I found it hard to speak freely and had to talk in riddles so that I did not hurt people by disclosing what they were doing, eg falsly claiming they had an illness etc. Detective Pigletwiglet will talk there about my feelings too because I still need an outlet even now. It is impossible for me to allow someone to come into my life and then let go of that person. I've not gone back to her blog because I know it will be full of malice and bitch-full-ness (that should be a word!). I am grateful for the friends I have discovered via the cyber airways and thankfully it out numbers the false friendships.

I've got a letter to write and I haven't even had a chance to speak about it here. I must talk about it tomorrow - Yes I shall make sure I give it a whole blog entry. It deserves it!

Tomorrow then.

PS http://detectivepgt.blogspot.com/ is the link to Detective pgt's blog. Do NOT read it if you don't want to hear about the stuff and nonsense of how cyber stalkers mess with people. It's there for me.

A new day

I've been looking at hydrospas today in readiness for our garden plans for next year!
Oh it's so exciting but yet so expensive and I'm not actually sure if we can afford it? The kids and I are all in agreement that this is a priority for our summerhouse but when we measure up the space in the garden, it hardly leaves any space for any grass or plants!!!! Oh dear, I do love my gardening however I fancy the thought of a hot tub to ease those daily pains. What is clear is that I will have to get planning permission for the erection (oooh er missus ). Sorry that word reminds me of too many British old Carry On films. The reason for planning is because the summer house/cabin will probably be too big but I don't want an eyesore.....Oh decisions decisions??????

Welcome to my new home

WELCOME

This is MY NEW HOME. (Oink oink) After much consideration, I have decided that the past belongs in a place I no longer want to visit. Why spend hours worrying over people I shouldn't be worrying over? Why waste my time and energy and so.......Here is the new improved blog of me which I hope you will enjoy.

Lots of chatter and gossip as per usual but we all know the rule of gossip is its only good if it is true and doesn't hurt anyone. We are all friends here and maybe a few passing aquaintances may pop past and that's fine too. You can do that and have a giggle with the my tales. My old blog told of amazing stories and all true! Yes TRUE. I'm not afraid to name people and I'm going to set up a detective blog too and that one will have my more constructive work which helped me in the past. I say in the past because I don't need that anymore. I have discovered so much about so many who have caused so much hurt and anguish. Not for here though. The future is here and I am enjoying living in it.