I've been dealing with this pain monster for over six years now and each day it throws different objects at me. Last night I didn't sleep hardly at all but thankfully today I feel better than I did all night. I'm growing so sick of feeling so sick. . . . .
I know why last night was such a humbdinger but it could had been OK....I need to explain. I went out with my family yesterday - Out to lunch at our favourite haunt (great pun for pre halloween!) We haven't been over there since my surgery and as it was the last opportunity before the children went back to school after their half term hols, I wanted to make the most of it. I was in a fair amount of pain pre going out and so stayed in my bed until the very last moment, I'm getting used to this system! We sort of enjoyed ourselves but unfortunately my daughter throwed one of her teenage tantrums which was worse than any of her two year old ones! I was praising her about her food tech assignment which was to make pasties however, it seems that whatever I say to her she can twist around to be something that "winds her up". I told her that we'd walk out of the resturant as I'd had enough of her behaviour and the daft thing was that when the waitress brought our food the argument was forgotten as quickly as it was started. I talked to me daughter when we got home and I think she saw how stupid it all was and didn't want to admit it but she always has to have the last word. It reminds me a lot of my mother! If I was half as bad as my daughter is then I can see why my mother found it harder when I hit my teens. I'm about to say something about my mother which I don't like but everyone who knows me knows my mother used to drink and knows I found this hard to handle....I now look back at my teenage years and see that these years were the ones where it all started but I really didn't have a clue?
So anyway, we then went off to look at some 'home offices' as they are now called. These are not quite summer houses because they are insulated and double glazed and a more sesible option for our hot tub. The costs are spiralling there and I am looking at how to reduce them down because I must!!! The next mission was to find a PIG.
Yes I did say a pig. Not a real one of course. My mum loved pigs and collected them and so when she passed away the kids decided to buy a bright blue one to put on her grave by her headstone. When we last went up the glaze had chipped badly and we wanted to buy her a new one because my mum would have been 60 next Tuesday. I don't going to the grave......I don't believe her spirit to be there and so I hardly ever go there.**PAIN ATTACK RIGHT HERE!!!!! read on***
My son also feels this too, the spiritual bit not that pain attack! but my parents are always around......except right now I miss my mother even though I know her spirit is around and always will be, I want to be selfish and have a hug with her. I 'd like a hug with dad too but it's mum more so because probably of our differences before she died. Forgiveness is absolute. My mum thought something that wasn't true and because she was severely depressed and drink clouds your mind, you do not always think the way you would normally. I wish with all my heart, I could have had more time with my mum but when she said things like "I want to go to sleep at night and not wake up", it breaks your heart.
I started writting this with hardly any pain either physically or emotionally but half way through I had to stop as the sciatic nerve in my right leg set me screaming. I had to put the cushion over my face because my son was in the roomand I didn't want him to see my cry. How stupid was that! He got me a tissue and pulled the cushion down and has gone out now. I am now now squirming about not knowing what to do? I only got up an hour ago and it looks as though that pain is going to put me back in bed again. I can't sit up can I? I'm in my reclining chair on full recline and now I have my head lifted up and it's an odd position. Back to bed I think........I wanted to have some time downstairs with my son and make some dinner which wasn't frozen but the pain monster has won yet again.
Try again tomorrow. I need that hot tub.......
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