Day before my nan's birthday

My nan would had been.......88 tomorrow but alas she anly managed 60 years. She died two weeks before my 18th birthday nearly 19 years ago.

My dad only managed to survive 57 years and on the 11 December, it will seven years since he died. It feels as though it was yesterday.....

Yes I'm feeling sad today and the telephone keeps ringing and it's not allowing me to have any space. I'm need and crave some space and it's driving around the bend!

Last night I had another period of fear again. Anxiety is causing me anxiety! Oh hell!!!!!! What am I going to do? I was crying my eyes out - Oh yet again and I could feel this anxiousness or fuzzyness which left me feeling strange. I can't explain it but it felt almost as though I was high but not high. Almost as though I didn't have enough oxygen in my lungs except obviously I did. The other day I had a terrible panic attack and I couldn't breath at all. I had to calm myself down but the fear was terrifying. This is not me? I don't know what is going on with me? There are some very sick people out there and I can almost hear them laughing now and that is sickening isn't it? Those sickos laughing at my ill health but I bet they are. You see I know that I'm struggling for a multitude of reasons, my spinal issues is the big one and my marriage problem and both problems affect the children deeply. The children's emotions then affect me. The cyber world has then also hit me hard with those malicious voices out there - YOU know who you are and my friends know who YOU are. I expect my friends to rally around me, those sicko nutters, WHACKY the one who suddenly turned when she didn't get a reply to an email and I've since realised was always going to cause mayhem; DONDRA who I also unwittingly knew as NANKA, (or is it TINKERHAWK (names changed slightly just for a laugh) and other names via a forum I was a member of. Very sad. Then of course, WIFFER, again sadly that one. I found this ex friendship very hard to handle and I think this is possibly the one that started this dowturn. This was a person I believed to be a friend however I found out that I never knew her at all. I genuinely thought this friend was dying and supported her (with others) through her so called illness. To find out it was all a charade was devastating. I believe she's still pretending to have her illness and some people still believe her. That's up to them I suppose and either they will soon learn the truth, they know the truth and are just nuts or I have no idea!
There's been a couple of others that friends warned me off I emailed with them for a couple of weeks and realised that their personalities were not the sort I would want to talk too. Sometimes people take that the wrong way and are offended and I know a couple of people I emailed with were but I can't help that. Its obvious that one of the woman was bipolar - what am I saying ONE! - more than ONE!!! I wish I wasn't so open - I'm not anymore - THANK YOU, YOU NUTCASES YOU'VE TAUGHT ME WELL!
I shouldn't be rude but I am quite angry and I need an avenue to let go of that hurt, anger, sadness, regret etc. I should have told certain people what I thought of them instead of keeping it in and I think it's time that I did.

My friends I love to bits but now it's time for letting go of the past and blasting out those emotions.

Feel much better now