Today..........................

Four years ago today was the day my mum passed from this earth. I spoke about that in the last entry and I can't be sure of the date because she was on her own and had chosen not to talk to me. Drink had changed every aspect of her being and I hated that part of her......

It's not sure whether my mum passed away on the 3rd or 4th of February? The coroner could not be sure either.

I wonder if this is why I'm in so much pain today? My emotions could be dictating how my body is feeling?

Mum was a lonely woman who hated herself and never learnt to love herself. I know that is an old cliche but truly speaking my mum was never happy. To the outside world they saw this smiling woman who got on with everyone but then she had this sting in her tail - A true Scorpio! She gave to others willingly however she expected others to give to her and if they did not then OMG they were in trouble. "HOW DARE THEY?" Would be her words. I remember life at home being hard because of her resentments. She'd always expect something back and if it never happened, she'd shun that person/people or make them feel bad. Anyone reading this for the first time and not reading any past entries would not think she's an absolute horror but NO, life made my mum this way. She was a good woman and circumstances dictated why she felt so bad about herself and she never got the chance in her own life to come to terms wilth all of her daemons. I loved her and still do.

Mum never knew her father and her mother, my gran who I always got on with better, never spoke of him. When she found out he was a nasty monster, it broke my mum into pieces. My mum had to hold herself together and make sure the outside world did not see that she was falling apart inside and she did a good job of it. Only my family and maybe a few close friends knew how hurt she really was. Mum lied to so many people and made up stories to cover up her feelings. Drink was her best friend throughout her heartaches and when the going got tough the bottles got bigger.

Mum was able to stop drinking however something would happen to cause the evil daemons to come out and so would the bottle. First mum drank coke and Bacardi. Every night mum would pour herself one drink and then another and another. I remember mum telling me that she was having lemonade and coke and that's what I thought it was for many years. I didn't realise my mum had a drink problem and when I did I tried to get her to face it didn't work........My dad wasn't on the same side as me and so it was impossible. Also at this point, mum was beginning to get problems with her stomach. She was not only drinking but taking medication which contained non steroid anti inflammatories. The combination was causing my mother's stomach wall to erode. She didn't know but I guess she knew there was some sort of problem because of the pain and not being able to eat? I don't really know how dad felt? I talked to him a few times but he would blank me or tell me "It's mum's choice". I found that hard......

My dad and mum had a relationship that worked for them and dad was what I now know called an 'enabler' he knew full well that mum's alcohol addiction and supported her with it because life without her drinking was for him unbearable. He walked out on her and me once when I was about 15; I remember it well. He came back the next day and even though it was my mum's fault, he took full responsibility for leaving. He loved her and that was that.
When dad was diagnosed with cancer, mum was full of guilt. She was thinking of divorcing dad at that time because of his mood towards her and she didn't realise it was because the cancer has spread to his brain. He had become a totally different man because of that disease and I'm so grateful that once diagnosed there was not much longer for him to suffer. My mum loved my dad and I heard some members of my family state that she didn't love him because of the way she was with him......Oh she loved him dearly but I don't think she could bear the thought of life without him and so it was easier for her to try to forget he was dying. Dad spent his last 4 days in the hospice and mum visited him 3 times. The first time I took her, and dad told her to "go home, you hate these places". I had to practically drag her to the hospice two days later but I HAD to because my dad was nearing the end. She spent a minute by his bed and ased me to take her home. I took her home and came straight back to be with my dad as my feelings were different and I HAD to be with him. She looked after me by phoning up the hospice. She made sure I had the support while I held my dad's hand while he left this life the following morning. Mum did not get there in time......Dad passed away too quickly in the end.

Mum had a different relationship with my daughter and my daughter adored my mother. I've probably spoken about this before but I'm feeling rough today and in bed and in the mood to let out my emotions. The reason I couldn't allow my kids to stay with my mother anymore was because my aunt and uncle and turned up (expected) at mum's house and found the kids (aged 6 and 4) at the time, were on their own downstairs, while mum was in a drunken stupor upstairs. My aunt and uncle brought the kids home and I can't explain my feelings because on one hand I was angry but on the other I was upset. I was angry that I had believed my mum would NOT drink with the kids around, oh and mum had left her drink on the side table too and the children could have drunk that. I was also upset and let down. My husband wanted to spea to my mum about it as he was positively fuming! I didn't want to let him and yet again as many a time before, I stopped him from doing so.

I didn't tell my mum for some time why I wasn't letting the kids stay with her (Yes it was obvious) but in the end we had a row and it came out. I told her I would let the kids stay but I would be staying too. OH HELL!!!! She didn't like that. Again I felt offended because it was almost as though she was saying "I don't want you but I'll accept your kids". Mum did not want to know.

My children never stayed with my mum again and I couldn't tell the children the real reason until a while after my mum died. Yes my children were devastated by this and I can only think they blamed me for an unknown reason?

New Years Eve 2002, I had a rotten day. My ankle was throbbing - The early days of my TCS starting up and I then developed a splitting headache too. We had made plans to go up to mum's house for an early supper and some fireworks too. We'd had a great Christmas and all was fine but the previous weeks were hard as mum had had a row with her brother and sister over dad's old moterbike and the sale of it to my cousin. Mum told one side of the story and demanded that I was not to call my aunt about it (So's not to hear that side of the story I guess). I'm very close to that aunt and of course I spoke to her about it and then I spoke to my uncle too. After that I decided to keep out of the whole incident and told mum that was my plan - No taking sides but I had decided to try to bring everyone back together. The problem was that drink had clouded mum's judgement and memory.......So back to New Year's Eve. The aunt who I am close to lives far away but was down visiting her husband's relatives and was staying close by. She'd phoned up and asked if we were free and asked me if we'd like them to come over? Of course I said yes. I found out that this aunt was not going to visit my mum later on and that upset me however it is my aunt's right and she was upset and angry too. I new I would face a dilema later in the day though because I WAS going to visit my mum and how was I going to keep it quiet about us seeing my aunt and uncle? Mum was no doubt going to be upset and take it out on me or my family when we saw her later but when I was spending time with my aunt and uncle I didn't care because I love them to bits as do my kids.

We went to my mum's house and my head was hurting and I had a row with my husband on the way up there and I felt terrible. I asked the children to try not to mention about the aunt and uncle's visit however that was impossible for my little lad. He loves my uncle and his silly tricks and I knew as soon as he opened his mouth I was in trouble. "We saw uncle L......." My mum went quiet and refused to talk to anyone after that and to be honest my head started to crash even more. I told my husband that enough was enough and it was not fair on the kids to let them put up with this atmosphere and we were going home. I washed up and 8.30pm we headed home. I gave mum a hug but she wasn't in the mood. I has explained and said I hadn't wanted to say anything because I did not know my aunt and uncle were down. I had heard one of my mum's other sisters say she had invited this siter over on New Year's Eve and explained that to my mum and then I thin this is how mum made up a crazy story? This is where drink played it's part again - What I was not to now was mum had made up a story that we had left early because we were going to a 'party' at her other sister's house?????
Point one, Not true! I think my aunts were meeting up but mum never goes out in the evening anyway.
Point two, The plan was to ALWAYS to come up for 2-3 hours, have some bangers and mash and fireworks which we literally had!
Point three, My head hurt so badly that I felt sick and when I got home I physically was sick.

I phoned mum a couple of days later and she wouldn't speak to me. I then tried again and again I was given the cold shoulder. I constantly asked her what had I done "YOU NOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" No I didn't know because mum's imagination had worked overtime and none of it was true........
I last spoke to my mother 3 weeks before she died and her last words were

"I never want to speak to you again"

To true but I wish she had not made up that false story because I would then have had that 3 weeks. The last year I had with her was the BEST year I have ever had with her. It was almost as though the barriers were gone and we became friends. I DID love my mum and only wish she didn't love the bottle more than she loved me.

I hope my dad was with her as she went on to the next world.......................I truly do.

A policewoman came to my door at 9.50pm and I knew what she was going to say. She suggested we went and sat down but I told her "My mum's died hasn't she"

"Yes".