Who Am I?

Lying on my bed and recovering from a middle of the day shower......I contemplate my life and wonder who I am and what the rest of my life has in store for me?

I have to plan my life like a military operation and that gets me down at times and especially when I had a flaming row with my daughter yesterday. "Go and DIE" she shouted at me! Sometimes I feel like doing just that and I told her so but not before I put on my shoes and headed for the door. I told her I hoped she was happy and I was off to jump off a bridge as life wasn't worth anything if I was constantly to be treated like sh*t by a spoilt 13 year old.
"Come back" she screamed "Why?" "Because you're the only mum I've got"........Oh thanks......Thinking about her own needs again. I'll be honest she said what she did because I - Yes I swore at her. My daughter has this habit of playing my love for her against my love for her brother and she threw the "You love my brother more than me". I'll be honest I told her to "F off"....."F off you spoilt horrible little girl."........And then the row blew out of all proportion and that was when she felt she had no choice in words and being a rather immature 13 nearly 14 year old she got it wrong.

I love my kids equally but differently, I'm sure many parents understand that dilemma and understand what it is like to live with an ever changing hormonal teenager. She hates everything and everything annoys her; she is never happy at home and that is much like any other teen too but I find this hard to watch as I only remember my own unhappiness while I was a teenager and know mine was because of an alcoholic domineering mother. I know I try too hard at times and I have to step back and alloy my daughter to grow or she will be suffocated by me and finding that balance is terribly difficult.

So yesterday I went into my child when I swore at my child. I have to be honest and say that it was that or slapping her and I was never going to resort to the latter and so swearing seemed to be the better choice to get out my anger and frustration. I had to tell my daughter that she is constantly thinking about herself and not giving a damn about any other members of the family. After talking with my husband the other day we felt a good method was to tell her that she is a vital quarter of our family and she is pulling our familly apart with her constantly poor behaviour. She blames everyone else and will never accept it is her fault. She will blame friends for "Being nasty and falling out with her" but again never accepting responsibility for her own behaviour. I can see my daughter has this inner unhappiness and I'm not saying that she can switch it off, I know that she needs some help to address that and won't be able to do that overnight. I would love to help her if only she would allow me too but I am the wrong person now; she has reached that age when she is beginning to stop talking about some of lifes troubles with me. I hate these teenage years.

After that huge row we talked and talked and listened and listened and then talked some more. We made supper together and ate it together which was nice. Today my daughter was back in 'bolshy' mode and for instance I said to her "Would you like some money for the beach?" which was greated with a huffy "yeah obviously I do". ........Oooooh Yes I wanted to ram it down her throat but the fact is I can say to her tomorrow that I gave her her pocket money a day early and have the last laugh if I really want too. But I doubt I will......

Anything for a quiet life!

I lie on my bed and wonder if this is all I am here for? 'Go and die' is something that has crossed my mind in those darker moments and I actually told my daughter this yesterday but also told her that she and her brother are what keep me here. Eleven years ago when I was in the darkest pit of depression my daughter kept me going then because I hardly knew the new baby that was to grew into that wonderful character of my son. I cannot remember much at all of his first year if I am honest, it is a complete blur. I do not feel like this now however I know I don't like my life right now. Being a school governor is something that has lost its magic and I am not sure if I still want to continue it - But that said I don't know if I am feeling this way because I don't feel right about me.

Hubby just phoned.....Broke the monotony of the day. "Want a bet on the national?" "OK then"....Who to pick?......I've picked Idle Talk as this is all this is today....idle talk about how I feel but I still do not know who I am?