Today I'm going to be honest again and talk about my daughter (sorry if I bore you dear reader) but I've worked out something; she's feeling abandoned by my parents.
She's also, I believe and have done for quite some time, thinking my husband may abandon her at any time too. He's 52 (and a half) and my parents were 56 and 57 respectively when they past away, why shouldn't her daddy die early? At least that's how her brain is working! I've felt for a long time that she has not grieved for my parents and try to get her to talk about them and last night she opened up and when I used the word "abandon" it brought tears to her eyes. That has NEVER happened. She asked why when her grandparents died her reaction was to laugh when most people cried? My poor little girl was 6 1/2 when her gramps died and 11 when her grandmother died. I told her that children do not have a guidebook and no reaction is wrong.One thing I must do tonight is I must tell her it is never too late to grieve. She needs to let go of those painful emotions because if she does then maybe she might feel less 'pained'. I know being 14 is hard enough but to have a burden like that on her shoulders is too troublesome to cope with.
I've also been thinking about my reactions to her actions. I've been close to hitting her and my hand went to her right cheek the other day as if I was going to slap her and I was all set to really whallop her. I feel very ashamed that as a parent I felt that bad I could not control my anger yet I'm trying to teach my daughter to control hers! I told my girl that I was at that point of 'los of self control' and told her she needs to pack in her behaviour. I've had enough of it but she's struggling with emotions, school and everything. I love my daughter but I want her to stop bullying her dad........so fingers crossed I can get through to her, listen to her and we can re-build our relationship.
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