Upset

I don't know what I am supposed to do?

I'm in this huge dark black hole and I don't want to talk with people and I'm putting on this great act of 'everything is fine' but actually everything is not. The problem is that when I feel like this I don't get the enjoyment out of those things I used to do and the computer is one of them. Pain is taking away so much out of my life and I am struggling to stop it steam rollering over my life at the moment.....and then instead of support I find some do not understand that I am not superwoman? Maybe that comment is a little unfair and I don't mean it like that however, it is horrible when I feel so down all the time and don't even want to talk to my closest friends......

Yesterday my best buddy came over because I was not returning her calls and the same day I recieved an email from another friend doubting my friendship. I'd only got out of bed at 4.35pm and my friend turned up five minutes later and actually I was so pleased to see her. We've agreed to a code now though so that if I don't want to talk that's OK but I'm not going to worry her any more. The second friend was different and I think it was a combo of things which caused the reaction. One reason was someone had emailed her saying I was saying she wasn't who she said she was? WHAT?????; another I believe, is my daft old detective pigletwiglet blog which has NOTHING to do with my friends. I have opened that blog because for instance, people who have either taken my name and used it on emails and then sent those emails to others; for example another person who supposedly lied about their medical condition and then has continued to lie and lie. You may have come across a person who is attempting to steal money from others on a forum where you are a member and the other blog to give tips and to stop this from happening to YOU. There are so many people finders but these quite often have inaccurate information and I aim to give further tips on how to decipher this and break it down to make sure you are correct. Go to my profile if you want to go to the Detective site there but at present there is not much to read! I haven't had much time for it over the past few weeks and maybe I started it because I felt so angry at the time? However THIS is my blog for ME and my friends, family and anyone who wants to read it. So I believe my Detective blog may be upsetting some of my email friendships because maybe they think I'm looking them up or something? ABSOLUTELY NOT! True friends are true friends are they not and therefore need nothing to worry about. I've lost some email 'aquantances' who have disappeared and I've realised that some of them are the same person but others sadly are either naive or mentally ill. It's easy to manipulate I suppose. I've been manipulated on the internet - Hence why the detective blog....

So back to how I feel today and those friendships. I was speaking with another email friend and she made me think about something else......I talked to her about when I saw the pain psychologist and said that the psych had put the seed of depression in my head and now of course I was feeling depressed but the truth is that is not true! I am suffering with that dredded D word and I'm not acting with my friends the way I normally do and maybe my 'out of charactorness' is making them think things that are not true? My first friend was easier to deal with because I could speak face to face and tell her it was nothing she had done and I was avoiding her.....Just felt so blue. My second friend was more difficult to deal with because of the complexity of it all?

I put this to draft back on the 18 November when I was way down in that dark hole. My friends know who they are and I hope those who I haven't spoken to for a while know I love them to bits.